![](\"http:\/\/farm1.static.flickr.com\/88\/241755891_1c7e03d770_m.jpg\")
<\/a>I\u2019ve been following the news about the new TSA security measures at airports with some interest. It has both terrified and filled me with concern. Since, I am now scared to death about my own and my families security, I have decided to implement the following \u201cTSA Style\u201d security measures for anyone who visits my home:<\/p>\nSince I doubt those fancy \u201cback scatter\u201d machines are available for home use, and I probably couldn\u2019t afford one anyway, upon arriving at my home all visitors must disrobe completely and turn slowly in front of me while I photograph them with my digital camera.<\/p>\n
If you are worried about privacy; those who do not wear eyeglasses may wear a pair, and those who do may take them off. Clark Kent\/Superman showed this as an effective way of protecting your identity. If you feel this measure does not protect your privacy enough, you may opt to wear sunglasses or I have cut out a small rectangular piece of black construction paper you can hold in front of your eyes.<\/p>\n
I will immediately delete these photos after the search is conducted, trust me! You don\u2019t have to worry about me storing these photos or posting them on the internet. Everyone knows you can\u2019t do that anyway with today\u2019s technology.<\/p>\n
If for whatever reason you do not want to go through this procedure you will be subject to a full body \u201cpat down\u201d. As chief of my home security, I have authorized myself to use the front of my hands and to touch areas around your breasts, groin, and really \u201cpat down\u201d any part of your body I so desire, as long as I desire, in the name of security. If I find anything I deem \u201csuspicious\u201d you will be expected to disrobe anyway, so you might as well just go with the first choice.<\/p>\n
Just so you know, I don\u2019t profile, but inevitably some \u201cattractive\u201d people may have to partake in a more \u201cthorough\u201d screening process, and some \u201cunattractive\u201d people may be laughed at or have some inappropriate comments made about them.<\/p>\n
Refusal to go through this process will result in denial of entry into my home and whatever fine I come up with (It depends on how many of my bills are due).<\/p>\n
Almost everyone will be required to go through this security screening process, however there are a few exceptions:<\/p>\n
I am not a TSA agent and federal, state and local child protection laws prohibit me from conducting this screening process on those under the age of 18 So, even though this will create a huge hole in my security, those under 18 are exempt. <\/p>\n
Additionally, even though I know most violent domestic crime happens between family members, immediate family members are exempt from these procedures as doing this on family would just be gross. Guess I\u2019ll just have to trust you.<\/p>\n
Sure, I know this process will cause some discomfort, and is probably illegal (I\u2019m not a lawyer), but you have to understand I NEED do this. This is for the safety and security of my family and any visitors to my home. Actually, come to think of it, as a visitor you should thank me for these procedures as I am keeping you safe. I am sure you understand that if I don\u2019t do this the \u201cterrorists have won\u201d. <\/p>\n
\nBefore you beat me up this was written totally in jest and none of these procedures will actually take place. Unless, of course, you want them to.<\/font><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve been following the news about the new TSA security measures at airports with some interest. It has both terrified and filled me with concern. Since, I am now scared to death about my own and my families security, I have decided to implement the following \u201cTSA Style\u201d security measures for anyone who visits my … <\/p>\n