Author: David Thuis

I’ve been following the news about the new TSA security measures at airports with some interest.  It has both terrified and filled me with concern.  Since, I am now scared to death about my own and my families security, I have decided to implement the following “TSA Style” security measures for anyone who visits my home:

Since I doubt those fancy “back scatter” machines are available for home use, and I probably couldn’t afford one anyway, upon arriving at my home all visitors must disrobe completely and turn slowly in front of me while I photograph them with my digital camera.

If you are worried about privacy; those who do not wear eyeglasses may wear a pair, and those who do may take them off.  Clark Kent/Superman showed this as an effective way of protecting your identity.  If you feel this measure does not protect your privacy enough, you may opt to wear sunglasses or I have cut out a small rectangular piece of black construction paper you can hold in front of your eyes.

I will immediately delete these photos after the search is conducted, trust me!  You don’t have to worry about me storing these photos or posting them on the internet.  Everyone knows you can’t do that anyway with today’s technology.

If for whatever reason you do not want to go through this procedure you will be subject to a full body “pat down”.  As chief of my home security, I have authorized myself to use the front of my hands and to touch areas around your breasts, groin, and really “pat down” any part of your body I so desire, as long as I desire, in the name of security.  If I find anything I deem “suspicious”  you will be expected to disrobe anyway, so you might as well just go with the first choice.

Just so you know, I don’t profile, but inevitably some “attractive” people may have to partake in a more “thorough” screening process, and some “unattractive” people may be laughed at or have some inappropriate comments made about them.

Refusal to go through this process will result in denial of entry into my home and whatever fine I come up with (It depends on how many of my bills are due).

Almost everyone will be required to go through this security screening process, however there are a few exceptions:

I am not a TSA agent and federal, state and local child protection laws prohibit me from conducting this screening process on those under the age of 18  So, even though this will create a huge hole in my security, those under 18 are exempt.

Additionally, even though I know most violent domestic crime happens between family members, immediate family members are exempt from these procedures as doing this on family would just be gross.  Guess I’ll just have to trust you.

Sure, I know this process will cause some discomfort, and is probably illegal (I’m not a lawyer), but you have to understand I NEED do this.  This is for the safety and security of my family and any visitors to my home.  Actually, come to think of it, as a visitor you should thank me for these procedures as I am keeping you safe.  I am sure you understand that if I don’t do this the “terrorists have won”.

Before you beat me up this was written totally in jest and none of these procedures will actually take place.  Unless, of course, you want them to.